A really bad interactive fanfic...

2005-03-08 05:12:35 am

...and you get to make it happen!

For anyone who's participated in a round robin, this is almost exactly like it. I'll kick it off, what with me starting the thread and all, and at the end I'll present four options, like a Choose Your Own Adventure game. The next poster picks an option and continues the story from there, ending the post with four options, one of which the next poster chooses etc.

The whole point here is to include stuff you really don't want to see in a Metroid adventure (whether game, fanfic or the movie), so when you've encountered a particularly bad story, or you've screwed up a game by shooting distant birds just because you could *cough*, you can look back here and think, "It could be worse..."

If you've never written before, so much the better.

On the menu should be bad characterization, tense change, poor crossovers, worse spelling (includes AOLspeek), a musical number - you hate it, you write it. Just keep it PG-13, although an abrupt ending would sort of help its godawful status.

Everyone clear?

Whatever. Just before the story starts, I just want to point out that the first three words are the most difficult ones I've ever had to type.

Samus Aran giggled as she beat Adam at poker once again. Despite the fact that he was a computer with megapowres, all the processing power was a poor substitute for basic, ordinary luck.

"I don't know how you do it Lady," he sighed as she drank some more rum. "I used to win before...you know. My death."

"Yeah. Bummer. They must have missed a few brain cells when they converted you to a digital."

"Could be," Adam thought aloud. "It could also eb that you happen to see my cards when you hold them up to my monitor."

Samus pondered this for an hour until a panel in the ship started beeping. She walked up to it, and it happened to be...

A) The radar showing Ridley trying to catch a lift,
B) A pop-up indicating that Samus could already be a winner,
C) An SA-X in a cunningly deceptive pose, or
D) An email from her online lover.

This is where you come in. Yes, you. The one in front of the keyboard.

Thread title:

[i]...and you get to make it happen!

For anyone who's participated in a round robin, this is almost exactly like it. I'll kick it off, what with me starting the thread and all, and at the end I'll present four options, like a Choose Your Own Adventure game. The next poster picks an option and continues the story from there, ending the post with four options, one of which the next poster chooses etc.

The whole point here is to include stuff you really don't want to see in a Metroid adventure (whether game, fanfic or the movie), so when you've encountered a particularly bad story, or you've screwed up a game by shooting distant birds just because you could *cough*, you can look back here and think, "It could be worse..."

If you've never written before, so much the better.

On the menu should be bad characterization, tense change, poor crossovers, worse spelling (includes AOLspeek), a musical number - you hate it, you write it. Just keep it PG-13, although an abrupt ending would sort of help its godawful status.

Everyone clear?

Whatever. Just before the story starts, I just want to point out that the first three words are the most difficult ones I've ever had to type.[/i]

Samus Aran giggled as she beat Adam at poker once again. Despite the fact that he was a computer with megapowres, all the processing power was a poor substitute for basic, ordinary luck.

"I don't know how you do it Lady," he sighed as she drank some more rum. "I used to win before...you know. My death."

"Yeah. Bummer. They must have missed a few brain cells when they converted you to a digital."

"Could be," Adam thought aloud. "It could also eb that you happen to see my cards when you hold them up to my monitor."

Samus pondered this for an hour until a panel in the ship started beeping. She walked up to it, and it happened to be...

A) The radar showing Ridley trying to catch a lift,
B) A pop-up indicating that Samus could already be a winner,
C) An SA-X in a cunningly deceptive pose, or
D) An email from her online lover.

[i]This is where you come in. Yes, you. The one in front of the keyboard.[/i]

Primal_Freeze

2005-03-08 05:52:21 am

A pop-up indicating that Samus could already be a winner of a very nice cuddly puppy. As this, Samus' eyes misted over because...

a) she had always wanted a puppy called...
b) she was reminded of her puppy that...
c) her new cards were...
d) it was her first popup and she was getting all emotional about it.

Nida

2005-03-08 01:52:53 pm

It being Samus's first popup, she was shocked into silence. It felt like a physical blow had impacted her chest cavity. Tears sprang unbidden to her eyes.

"But... but... I'm using Firefox!!" she cried as the horror coalesced into indignation. "All those cultitsts told me their fire-breathing lizard god Mozilla would never allow this to happen! And I believed them, emotional fool that I am!!!"

Adam reached out to put an arm around her to console her. Unfortunately, being a computer, all he had was manipulating claws attached to long, metallic waldoes. Samus, not expecting the cold, steely contact, whirled about and...

a) promptly impaled herself on the claw by accident;
b) mistaking it for a tentacle monster, curled into a fetal ball and began muttering about a "gynecologist";
c) attempted firing her arm cannon - which, what with her being unarmored, merely resulted in a rude hand gesture;
d) squealed, "Ridley, my love! You've come back!", seconds before realizing what was really happening.

It being Samus's first popup, she was shocked into silence. It felt like a physical blow had impacted her chest cavity. Tears sprang unbidden to her eyes.

"But... but... I'm using [i]Firefox[/i]!!" she cried as the horror coalesced into indignation. "All those cultitsts told me their fire-breathing lizard god Mozilla would never allow this to happen! [i]And I believed them, emotional fool that I am!!![/i]"

Adam reached out to put an arm around her to console her. Unfortunately, being a computer, all he had was manipulating claws attached to long, metallic waldoes. Samus, not expecting the cold, steely contact, whirled about and...

a) promptly impaled herself on the claw by accident;
b) mistaking it for a tentacle monster, curled into a fetal ball and began muttering about a "gynecologist";
c) attempted firing her arm cannon - which, what with her being unarmored, merely resulted in a rude hand gesture;
d) squealed, "Ridley, my love! You've come back!", seconds before realizing what was really happening.

Yoshi348

2005-03-08 02:31:07 pm

PAGE BREAKER

Ready and willing.

...squealed, "Ridley, my love! You've come back!", seconds before realizing what was really happening.

"What you say?" said Adam.

To quote the entirety of AYB, turn to page 42. To try and talk your way out of the situation, turn to page 62. To have a random flashback, turn the book upside-down. To hug a Pikachu, stick your tounge out.

Izo

2005-03-08 03:05:46 pm

soaking through

Samus thought back to her childhood, when a similar event had happened with...

a) Mario.
b) The pizza delivery guy.
c) Her pet (space) dog.
d) CATS. >.>

Primal_Freeze

2005-03-08 06:21:45 pm

Mario, the pizza delivery guy. He was doing the old, 'mind if i come in and have some' routine explaining that he was a plumber in training. Claws had raked her shoulder then and she had whipped around a lo and behold it was....

a) Ridley, wanting her to hurry up with the pizza guy
b) Ridley, who had climbed in the window to ambush her
c) her cat Fluffy just wanted some food
d) nothing but her imagination...

Yoshi348

2005-03-08 07:08:06 pm

PAGE BREAKER

Ready and willing.

nothing but her imagination. Or was it?

Yes it was.

Behind her, however, was a chair. The chair was small, with a wood oak finish. The finish had love and care smothered over every inch of it, filled with meticulous detail. It had four handcrafted legs, in Victorian style, made by the finest craftsmen around. This chair had seen a lot in its existence... it was there when George Washington was defeated by Napolean at Pearl Harbor. It was there when the Pikachu colony was infested with roaches. It was there last Tuesday when it was blackjack night. But most of all, it was there for her when

a) the most horrible battle the universe had ever seen was over.
b) wood was invented.
c) her uncle passed away.
d) I went..." Just then, Adam interrupted... "Lady, we have a problem."

RT-55J

2005-03-08 07:26:42 pm

Armor Guardian

Just then, Adam interrupted... "Lady, we have a problem. I am unable to make a decision without further input. You have been daydreaming for an hour and there is a pop-up on your screen. I have pondered what to do with the pop-up and have come to the conclusion that you want me to click it. If this course of action is unsatisfactory please tell me within the next five seconds or else I'll assume that you want me to click the pop-up." Adam's mechanical arm slowly desended to the touchscreen.

Samus was too shocked by Adam's decision to even respond before Adam clicked the pop-up. Despite the fact that 99.999 999 999 999 999 999 999% of those ads were scams, it turned out that she was ACTUALLY A WINNER of:

a) A lifetime supply of herbal enhancers.
b) 500 metric tons of chocalate.
c) A pencil.
d) A crashed computer.
e) A pizza.
f) An Odessy^2
g) NULL.
h) Metroid Prime 548: This Series Will Never End (MP548:TSWNE)
i) Negative $100 million dollars.
j) Microsoft.
k) A mansion.
l) Every copy of Action 52 in existance.
m) A pet metroid
n) An Acmlmboard
o) A GMail invite
p) The supercomputer Deep Thought
q) A living "Thesaraus".
r) A dead corpse.
s) Five bucks.
t) An officially translated copy of Star Fox 2 in cartridge form.
u) A pack of "Girl Scout" Cookies.
v) A Commedore 64.
w) The Starship Enterprise Q.
x) A block of cheese of unknown size.
y) A copy of "Mother Brain's Beauty Salon and Dating Sim (TM)".
z) All of the above

Just then, Adam interrupted... "Lady, we have a problem. I am unable to make a decision without further input. You have been daydreaming for an hour and there is a pop-up on your screen. I have pondered what to do with the pop-up and have come to the conclusion that you want me to click it. If this course of action is unsatisfactory please tell me within the next five seconds or else I'll assume that you want me to click the pop-up." Adam's mechanical arm slowly desended to the touchscreen.

Samus was too shocked by Adam's decision to even respond before Adam clicked the pop-up. Despite the fact that 99.999 999 999 999 999 999 999% of those ads were scams, it turned out that she was ACTUALLY A WINNER of:

a) A lifetime supply of herbal enhancers.
b) 500 metric tons of chocalate.
c) A pencil.
d) A crashed computer.
e) A pizza.
f) An Odessy^2
g) NULL.
h) Metroid Prime 548: This Series Will Never End (MP548:TSWNE)
i) Negative $100 million dollars.
j) Microsoft.
k) A mansion.
l) Every copy of Action 52 in existance.
m) A pet metroid
n) An Acmlmboard
o) A GMail invite
p) The supercomputer Deep Thought
q) A living "Thesaraus".
r) A dead corpse.
s) Five bucks.
t) An officially translated copy of Star Fox 2 in cartridge form.
u) A pack of "Girl Scout" Cookies.
v) A Commedore 64.
w) The Starship Enterprise Q.
x) A block of cheese of unknown size.
y) A copy of "Mother Brain's Beauty Salon and Dating Sim (TM)".
z) All of the above

Mr. Aran

2005-03-08 08:11:45 pm

everybody knows it's true

...5 bucks.

The dollars slotted out of Adam's floppy disk. Samus jumped for joy and grabbed the money with pride.
"What are you going to do with the money, Lady?" Adam wondered.

a) buy a candy bar
b) do dog race bets
c) give it to charity
d) give it to Ridley for his birthday

Hejira

2005-03-09 04:24:47 am

Somewhere else in deep space, Ridley was trying to amass an army with which to...do Space Pirate stuff. So far, he had collected a tamagotchi, three white pikmin, and Kraid.

Obviously, his search wasn't going all that well if he was desperate enough to recruit Kraid.

Just then, he got hit in the head with a space pod. Opening it, he was delighted to discover five dollars and a note which read:

Quote from Samus 'Bubbles' Aran:

Happy Birthday, Ridley!

Sorry about killing you all those times. In my drunken stupidity I've decided to give you five dollars by way of apology. Go and buy a Kit Kat or something.

<3,

S.

Ridley started to laugh. "Finally, all my plans for breeding Metroids can come to fruition! I never thought I'd thank Samus Aran for my good fortune. And on my birthday, too."

"ARGH!" Kraid screamed. "I trapped my leg in a door."

Thinking about how his day was getting better and better, Ridley was faced with a few choices in how to use his five dollars.

A) Free Kraid from the door and waste the money
B) Go and buy a Kit Kat, but make it a mint one to spite 'Bubbles'
C) Go to an artifact auction and look for a weird triangle thing
D) Buy a breeding pair of Metroids from the SA-X on the corner

Somewhere else in deep space, Ridley was trying to amass an army with which to...do Space Pirate stuff. So far, he had collected a tamagotchi, three white pikmin, and Kraid.

Obviously, his search wasn't going all that well if he was desperate enough to recruit Kraid.

Just then, he got hit in the head with a space pod. Opening it, he was delighted to discover five dollars and a note which read:

[quote="Samus 'Bubbles' Aran"][i]Happy Birthday, Ridley!

Sorry about killing you all those times. In my drunken stupidity I've decided to give you five dollars by way of apology. Go and buy a Kit Kat or something.

<3,

S.[/i][/quote]

Ridley started to laugh. "Finally, all my plans for breeding Metroids can come to fruition! I never thought I'd thank Samus Aran for my good fortune. And on my birthday, too."

"ARGH!" Kraid screamed. "I trapped my leg in a door."

Thinking about how his day was getting better and better, Ridley was faced with a few choices in how to use his five dollars.

A) Free Kraid from the door and waste the money
B) Go and buy a Kit Kat, but make it a mint one to spite 'Bubbles'
C) Go to an artifact auction and look for a [url=http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0146316/]weird triangle thing[/url]
D) Buy a breeding pair of Metroids from the SA-X on the corner

Mr. Aran

2005-03-09 06:21:29 pm

everybody knows it's true

Ridley muttered in Kraid's stupidity and freed his leg from The Door.
"Kraid, you really have to be careful around The Door! If you slam it that hard again, he might use his spikes." Ridley yelled.

"Thanks Ridley!" Kraid said, ignoring Ridley's comment, "how can I repay you?"

"Here." Ridley gave Kraid the five bucks. "Go knock yourself out."

Kraid gleemed his three eyes with joy. "FIVE BUCKS??? I'M RICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kraid trampled off to some other place.

Ridley sighed at his stupidity, and then decided what to do.

a) Write Samus a thank-you note
b) Congratulate The Door on his catch
c) Make his pikmin become flower pikmin
d) Sleep

Primal_Freeze

2005-03-09 06:30:16 pm

So Ridley went over to the door and spoke to it:
"Great job catcing Kraid like that, but next time don't let him go..."

The doors response was "...." for it was a door and could not speak.

At the doors lack of response, Ridley was driven into a fury and...

a) Ate the door
b) Kicked the door
c) Shot the door
d) stormed over to the computer and sent abusive emails to the door manufacture
e) stormed over to the computer and sent abusive emails to everyone on his list

RT-55J

2005-03-09 06:55:22 pm

Armor Guardian

Ridley ate the door. He then realized that his body could not digest metal. He started feeling sick. He decided to:

Code:

a) Let it continue through his digestive system.
b) Regurgitate it then chomp it up more so the chances of it going in his bloodstream and not harn the digestive system increase.
c) Melt it while it is in his stomach with his fire breathing powers.
d) Regurgitate it and throw it at:
    1) Samus' ship.
    2) Kraid.
    3) The asteroids that used to be the planet Zebes and are slowly forming back into a planet do to the law of gravitation.

Primal_Freeze

2005-03-09 07:01:29 pm

Regurgitate it and throw it at Kriad. Regretfully, Kraid wasn't in the same room, so the door bounced off the hull and smakced Ridley in the head knocking him out.

Meanwhile, back at Samus' ship, Samus was at the oven and was cooking...

a) A birthday cake for Ridley
b) Beef Stroganoff
c) A clay brick
d) a small critter by the name of Sigfreid.

RT-55J

2005-03-09 07:45:51 pm

Armor Guardian

...A birthday cake for Ridley while playing a game of Metroid Prime 634280: We Wish Nintendo Would Stop Forcing Us To Make These Games.

While she was fighting the last boss Dark SA-X Prime QRCP Adam interruped saying, "You should have ghetto jumped on the wall and fired the Echo beam while shinesparking upwards so that you would be able to cause the phazon crater to implode so that you could beat the boss faster."

Samus: "Shup ut. I'm not a speed-runner like the legendary Kip." Samus continues to play several hours more and forgets about the cake. Samus finally managed to beat the boss.

Just then Adam interrupted, "Sorry to interrupt the festivities, but we have a problem. The birthday cake you were baking for Ridley is about to burst into flames in 5 seconds. You do know that the air is pure oxygen in here."

Just as Adam was saying that she rushed to the pantry.

5...

She searched feverishly for a fire extinguisher then grabbed the first one in sight.

4...

She ran to the oven and opened it.

3...

She carefully read the directions.

2...

She stepped back to 8 feet.

1...

She fumbled with the pins.

0. The cabin burst into flames. Within a second Samus had fainted. After a tenth of a second Adam picked up the fire extinguisher and let the liquidy CO2 spread into the air extinguishing most of the fire in seconds. He then turned off the oven and simultaniously adjusted the environmental controls so that the smoke would filter out. Finally he deposited the burnt cake into the trash compacter.

Samus was badly singed on her left arm. She woke up from her comatose state and muttered:

a) Thanks Adam, I thought I was a goner.
b) What will I give Ridley for his birthday now?
c) Uuugh...
d) How much will the palstic surgery cost?

...A birthday cake for Ridley while playing a game of Metroid Prime 634280: We Wish Nintendo Would Stop Forcing Us To Make These Games.

While she was fighting the last boss Dark SA-X Prime QRCP Adam interruped saying, "You should have ghetto jumped on the wall and fired the Echo beam while shinesparking upwards so that you would be able to cause the phazon crater to implode so that you could beat the boss faster."

Samus: "Shup ut. I'm not a speed-runner like the legendary Kip." Samus continues to play several hours more and forgets about the cake. Samus finally managed to beat the boss.

Just then Adam interrupted, "Sorry to interrupt the festivities, but we have a problem. The birthday cake you were baking for Ridley is about to burst into flames in 5 seconds. You do know that the air is pure oxygen in here."

Just as Adam was saying that she rushed to the pantry.

5...

She searched feverishly for a fire extinguisher then grabbed the first one in sight.

4...

She ran to the oven and opened it.

3...

She carefully read the directions.

2...

She stepped back to 8 feet.

1...

She fumbled with the pins.

0. The cabin burst into flames. Within a second Samus had fainted. After a tenth of a second Adam picked up the fire extinguisher and let the liquidy CO2 spread into the air extinguishing most of the fire in seconds. He then turned off the oven and simultaniously adjusted the environmental controls so that the smoke would filter out. Finally he deposited the burnt cake into the trash compacter.

Samus was badly singed on her left arm. She woke up from her comatose state and muttered:

a) Thanks Adam, I thought I was a goner.
b) What will I give Ridley for his birthday now?
c) Uuugh...
d) How much will the palstic surgery cost?

Yoshi348

2005-03-09 09:39:19 pm

PAGE BREAKER

Ready and willing.

"uuugh" but it was 2 late the fire had already fuze dwith hre DNA!!!!1111 sothere wuz fire n stuff n the FIRE SAMUS and pikachu was thre becuase it was going to asplode n then fire sombus edid teh varfia siut and nrg tanks n adam wuz all 'ohgnoestgnwei3 and the pikachu waS cute then PHAZBNON!NON!N!!!1!11111onedyeleven

a) omgthen thunder sombus dcame and went grar
b) Meanwhile, at the Ridley cave...
c) FIRE SOMBUS CHARGED THE KAMAMAMAMAMA
d) dies from lack of oxygen of reading run-on sentence

Supuh

2005-03-09 09:57:42 pm

yoshi, that so reminded me of this: http://madtv.com/html/classics/theatre_int_17.html totually random

RT-55J

2005-03-10 12:14:07 am

Armor Guardian

Yoshi dies from the lack of oxygen due to the run-opn sentence so that never happened.

Samus then replied, "How much will the plastic surgery cost."

Adam replied, "Five-thousand four-hundred eighty-nine galactic credits."

Samus: "You must be joking. That's half of my monthly income."

Adam replied:

a) I am not joking.
b) I am joking and this is all a dream.
c) I might be joking.
d) I am only joking if the oven door was always charcoal black.

Hejira

2005-03-10 04:31:32 am

"I am joking, and this is all a dream."

"Sweet." Samus frowned. "Hang on, so how long has this been a dream?"

Adam used a mechanical arm to pinch her, and suddenly Samus woke up. She looked around her surroundings and realised when she was. It was just before...

A) Her first...you know. Sims fans know it as WooHoo. Squeak squeak.
B) The Queer Eye guys came over to give her a makeover.
C) The card game with Adam that got interrupted by the pop-up.
D) She got called back to SR-388, which means it was before she got infected with the X, which means Metroid Fusion never happened.

Mr. Aran

2005-03-10 08:29:51 am

everybody knows it's true

Before the Galactic Fed called her to go to SR-388. Samus woke up screaming. She looked around her surroundings and realized that she was actually at her beach house in the planet Maxthon. Just then the phone started to ring. Samus went to pick it up, and on the other line was...

1) The Galactic Fed. giving her the objective to go back to SR-388
2) Ridley, Kraid, Botwoon, Draygon, Golden Torizo, and Phantoom calling her to wish her for a happy 27th birthday
3) The last metroid telling her that he is not dead
4) Senor Cardgage Mortgage

RT-55J

2005-03-10 09:58:13 am

Armor Guardian

...The Galactic Fed. giving her the objective to go back to SR-388.

Feds: Samus, please report to the Galatic Fed. HQ to get futher breifing on you future mission on SR-388.

Samus screams and stops the phone with the closest knife.

Meanwhile back at the Galatic Fed HQ they were all like, "WTH!!! We only wanted her to tell us where she hid her cookie stash on the planet."

Samus' other phone begins to ring.

"Squee... squeeeeeeee."

Samus replied:

a) The last metroid! Is that really you!!?!?!!
b) It's just static. I get these calls all the time.
c) SQUEEEE YOU!!!!
d) This better no be a prank call.

Mr. Aran

2005-03-10 06:57:57 pm

everybody knows it's true

"The Last Metroid!" Samus said with confusion, "is that really you?"

"The Last Metroid? No, this is Ridley. I was just asking if you were interested in joining the New Space Pirate Club"

a) yes
b) no
c) the New Space Pirwhat?
d) ask for a cookie

RT-55J

2005-03-10 09:57:57 pm

Armor Guardian

Samus replied, "Can I have a cookie?"

Ridley then said, "You can have a cookie if you..."

a) Join the new space pirate club.
b) Direct me to your cookie stash on SR-388.
c) Marry me.
d) Stop Nintendo forcing Retro Studios to make a billion Metroid Prime games every year.
e) Lick your elbow while cooking me some cheesecake. (Speaking of cheesecake, it is actually custard pie despite its name.)
f) Eat some cheesy cheese.
g) DO THE HUSTLE.

Hejira

2005-03-10 10:36:18 pm

"...marry me."

"WHAT!" Samus shrieked. "I hate Space Pirates!" Pause. "But I like cookies...really, really like cookies..."

"It's choc chip."

"I'm sold."

Fast forward two months, and it's the wedding of Samus Aran and Sir Ridley. They had decided to wed on the newly formed Zebes the 2nd, and had vases filled with Oreos rather than flowers. A large crowd had gathered in the same way that cars slow down at the scene of an accident.

The automated priest said, "If anyone has any objections, they shall speak now or forever hold their - "

"I OBJECT!" someone shouted.

Everyone gasped as they turned around and saw the unmistakable figure of:

A) Meta-Ridley
B) Captain Olimar
C) Some guy that objects at weddings for the thrill of it, then runs away
D) Samus - so who's in the suit?

Mr. Aran

2005-03-11 08:23:03 am

everybody knows it's true

Samus. Ridley, confused, took of the helmet of the suit and discovered that it was Kraid. Screaming in terror, Ridley ran out of the curch, stealing one of the oreo vases. The audience got angry of the theft and started grabbing thier pitchforks, chains, rakes, etc.
Meanwhile, Ridley flew off in disgust that he was about to marry Kraid and seeked refuge in...

a) Samus's beach house
b) SR-388
c) Hawaii
d) 5 feet from the chapel